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I See You, Brother…

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By Angel Simmons

Monday made 20 years since I lost my brother Timmy. It doesn’t hurt any less. Parts of my heart actually grew numb in the years that followed his passing. I could have been described as cold and reckless by the people closest to me. Truth is… I felt like I had died, too. It took me seven years to claw myself out of that dark hole, then several more to really BE love again- only to have that same bandaged heart ripped out repeatedly. Talk about recurring trauma…

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Strangely enough, my brother was with me through ALL of that. He would sit with me in the silence, watch over me as I wept, and find ways to make me laugh when I didn’t think I could last much longer. How do you continue to stand during a 20 year battle? Someone else holds you up! Be it God, the ancestors or your guardian angels, you never really walk alone. Eventually… over some time… after many tears… you start to feel alive again. Sometimes, that’s all you can ask for, and it will eventually prove to be enough.

brother 1

I looked forward to the end of this difficult week. However, in a chain of unfortunate events, ALL of today’s plans changed in an instant. Oddly, my busy Saturday turned into some much needed leisure time with mama. At some point, this rainbow below appeared in my direct line of sight through the window. We both took time (and pictures) to appreciate it. We didn’t talk about Timmy, but I am certain this week had her feeling a bit unbalanced as well. That rainbow was surely a confirmation that God is and has always been with us. He sat next to me in the darkness until I was ready to move, and He was a light as I found my way back to #LovesGreatDesign over and over again. His covenant still remains, no matter how heavy the grief weighs on me. Today’s rainbow was also a goofy grin from my brother across the sky- spying on me once more just like the creep that he is… 🀭

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May 23, 2020